It’s the very first question that humans naturally ask. In fact, even toddlers instinctively find a way to cultivate letters and sounds - asking this question to grow their minds. To let their curiosity explode with learning and exploring the world around them. The meaning of this question serves as the basis of understanding, and it transforms itself and translates into every-day life as a maturing young woman. It comes as no surprise that I - and most likely you, too - continuously ask this same question 21 years later.

Why? Why me? Why now? Why is this happening? Sound familiar? Throughout my life, I’ve always heard the saying: “growing pains” - meaning you have expanded into a new version of yourself and it is uncomfortable. And I stand here to argue that it rings true. Navigating this unprecedented world while balancing learning about yourself, writing and re-writing your own personal values system, growing from mistakes, and planning for your unwritten future is nothing short of difficult. Of exhausting. Like driving down a gravel road at midnight without a GPS. 

Now add in trauma. Whether we confess to ourselves or shimmy down the thin line of denial, we all encounter it in some form or another. At some time or another. It could stem from your childhood, from drama spiraling in high school when your life appeared like a Mean Girls reality, or from an abusive relationship. Whatever the source - it is real and you aren’t alone. Mine was the latter.

Here’s the thing about trauma: you feel its effects now and you feel its effects in the future. When I thought I was coping in the best way, I looked in the mirror and exponentially became unrecognizable. Losing myself - no longer loving myself - and avoiding the healing necessary to become the strong young woman I was placed here to emulate. My mistake: letting my trauma keep me stuck instead of using it to propel growth. 

It wasn’t until I hit my personal “rock bottom” that I decided it was more than time to change - to work on myself and to love myself more. I reached out to my therapist, became intentional about self-help, and regularly reflected. How does this relate to healing from trauma? I found myself facing my pain headstrong and consciously - asking myself why? I don’t have all of the answers - and maybe I never will - but I do know one thing: I have a voice and a past that has yielded wisdom and empathy like no other. And I want to use this platform to share with you what I wish someone had told me sooner. Our wounds are beautiful and are there to teach us lessons about strength and perseverance. Beginning with: strength. It is not about how much weight you can bear, but rather the grace you exhibit in the midst of it. And believe me when I say “you have more strength in your heart than you believe.”

Now, albeit contradicting the entire title of this post, let me challenge an idea and goal that so many young women find themselves chasing: that you are on a journey to find your sole purpose. Purpose being defined as the reason we have been created and why our souls connect with those around us. Like our one true purpose is an end-all, be-all achievement. Like the most important dot on your timeline. However, I disagree. I believe we all have several purposes in life. We are created to laugh. To love. To learn. To explore. To create. To form connections and friendships. To nourish relationships. To find happiness. If you cycle through life searching for your “purpose”, you risk not living in the now. Not finding joy in the little things. Not being present. Not being happy. 

Instead, find your passion - or multiple passions. Find the hobby, the job, the career that excites you. Know the difference between passion and purpose and know that one is not a reflection of the other. While I would argue all humans share the same purposes - the qualities of life that make it so valuable and worth living - we all have different passions. Passions that are unique to every one of us and passions where you can showcase your talent. Projects you embark on when you hear inspiration speaking to you at 12:37 am. 

How do you find your passions? First: change your perspective. Sometimes we are our own biggest obstacle and loudest critic - believe me, you’re not the only one. However, shifting your perspective, speaking kindly to yourself, and firmly believing you are deserving of all things good will manifest in so many positive aspects in your life. Second: recognize what you love. What makes your heart skip a beat; what gives you butterflies full of excitement when you envision it becoming reality. Find what makes you the happiest and center your habits and activities around it. Third: you have to get out of your comfort zone. As cliche as I know this sounds, growth rarely occurs within the walls of comfortability and normalcy. Try something new, take a different class, read a book out of an entirely different genre. Find the joy in the uncomfortable and you just might surprise yourself. Last: have faith in yourself. Open your eyes and believe - actually believe - that you are spectacular and unstoppable. Overcome your fears and uncover your passions. 

See, purpose is much less the most important dot on your timeline; rather your purpose is found within every dot, every moment, and every endeavor you will embark on. Recognizing that you have already found your purposes gives you a light at the end of the tunnel. Something to look forward to. A reason to push through the trauma and the pain. Something to find simultaneously in the healing process. Healing is not linear and it looks vastly different person to person. What is helping me along my journey might not work for you - and vice versa. But knowing you don’t have to have it all put together to discover and celebrate your purpose is a comfort we should all become familiar with. And knowing that you deserve to be happy and to heal proves to help like a blanket in the cold. 

While I am still asking myself the same question - Why? - and probably always will, one thing remains: that I am doing better than I was yesterday. That the love for myself I was once convinced was gone has made its way back into my heart. That the person in the mirror staring back at me has grown and healed more than I ever thought possible. That I deserve to find my purpose in living, in laughing, in loving, in learning, in exploring, in creating, in friendships and in relationships. That I deserve happiness. That I deserve to let my creativity and individuality shine through my passions - passions like writing this and designing and making playlists long enough to make it through an apocalypse. And that you deserve it too.