I’m convinced I was born in the wrong generation. Not because my favorite music genre is 70s soft rock - Dan Fogelberg is unmatched. Not because I believe social media could quite possibly be the downfall of my generation. Not because I like going to bed early, dozing off with my herbal tea in one hand and my romance novel in another. Not because my friends consider me an “old soul” or because watching a Nicholas Sparks movie in bed sounds ten times more appealing than vodka sodas at my college bar scene. But because I have realized I don’t fit in with my generation’s normalcy of hook ups.

Now, I would be lying if I said I haven’t fallen victim to a saturday night fling after one too many tequila shots. However, I will be the first to admit I always woke up feeling emptier than the night before - regretting having given myself to someone who couldn’t appreciate all I had to offer as a person. Someone who didn’t know what values I prioritize or the aspirations that motivate me. Someone who didn’t know why I cry every time I watch a father’s speech at his daughter’s wedding. Who didn’t know the meaning behind my tattoo. Someone who didn’t know why my walls are up or why I am so guarded. Someone who didn’t know me.

That’s the thing about putting physical intimacy before emotional intimacy: you become attached to and invested in something not much more than surface level. You alter the chemicals in your brain without reason. Hookup culture sponsors a reverse timeline of dating - of getting to know someone. It forces young people to compromise the beauty of intimacy and confuse “hooking up” with true connection. With love. Instead of getting to know someone in small increments, the process of “dating” becomes backwards. Deep, meaningful conversations coming later rather than the other way around. You become attracted to a version of someone - an idea or fantasy of someone. I am convinced I was born in the wrong generation.

It wasn’t until I went on a couple dates with a man who was 9 years older than me that I realized how monumentally different dating habits are between our generations. That - although I know what I want and can envision how a relationship should be - I am navigating uncharted territory and re-learning how to “date.” How to take steps to get to know someone. How to take an inventory of their values, priorities, and personality to see if they align with mine. How to undo the “backwards” dating patterns that have been ever-so-ingrained in my culture. 

With my experience in jumping the gun comes a lesson I wish I had learned sooner: that my body is valuable and should only be shared with someone who acknowledges my soul first. Who appreciates my soul’s value. And that I should appreciate that value even more. See, self-esteem plays an enormous role in today’s culture. Personally, when I didn’t cherish myself, I looked to others for that validation. It’s human nature to seek connection and approval and it is even harder to change those erroneous thought patterns once you become accustomed to them. But it is time that we change that.

I once heard a quote that has stuck like glue: until you know yourself, choosing a partner is like coordinating a shirt with a pair of pants…without knowing what the pants look like. Impossible. Well, sometimes we are the pants. Before you can invest in a relationship, you have to invest in yourself. Once you give yourself the validation you seek from others, you will become independently happy. 

One thing I have learned as a marketing student is how to create a consumer avatar in order to market to your target audience. An arbitrary “someone” that mirrors the needs, desires, and characteristics you want your product or service to appeal to. Someone who yearns for what you have to offer. While it appears as though I am digressing, let me bring it all together. The same consumer avatar concept applies so greatly to dating - putting thoughts of who you want to meet into a tangible outline. An outline that matches your values system and highlights qualities you need in a partner. 

Surround yourself with others that reflect what you wrote. Decide what qualities you are looking for in a partner and date people until you find someone who can match your needs and desires. Until you find someone who knows the deepest parts of you and appreciates the deepest parts of you. Until you find someone that truly sees you rather than simply viewing you.

In a moment of honesty, dating is hard. Being vulnerable and open to finding and nourishing a connection is scary. Putting yourself out there can be a daunting task. But if you are seeking that missing piece of a relationship, being nervous is only going to hold you back. Be confident in knowing that you are enough and that you don’t need validation from others to determine your worth. Instead, have fun with it! Go into it with an open mind, knowing your values system and the qualities you envision in a partner. Narrow down those that don’t match your outline to avoid investing in something that might do more harm than good. Give yourself time - time to get to know others and time to navigate a new relationship in the best way that serves you. Say no to people that don’t respect you and your boundaries. Say no to people who aren’t searching for the same true, genuine connection you are. Say no to people who don’t fit your avatar. 

You deserve to have someone in your life that shows you what it feels like to be loved. Who values you and chooses you the same way you choose them. To have a healthy connection that empowers you rather than taking power away. A connection so beautiful that it gives every other wrong turn meaning. Find someone who knows, appreciates, and celebrates you.